A Normal Mum.

It’s not uncommon for Mums to suffer with mental health. I wrote ‘new mums’ before, but I changed my mind and deleted what I wrote. Because I suddenly thought, why just new mums?! I’m not a new Mum. My little boy is 2 years old and my mental health is on a high lately. I feel like I’m on a constant rollercoaster, and there’s no chance of it stopping. Sometimes, it feels like it’s going slow enough for me to catch my breath and take in the view, but then I blink and there I am, in full panic mode, sat in the front seat, trying so damn hard for my eyes to try and keep up with the motions.

It’s true that us Mums feel pressure, judgment, guilt… and sometimes, yes, that’s from other Mums! Not to mention the pressure and stigma that comes from social media, family, friends and the people who glare at you when your kid is having a meltdown in the middle of the supermarket, and like hell do you know why!! There’s been a few times in the past 2 years where I’ve felt all those burning, judgemental eyes, piercing through my skin and judging me as a parent and my child.

Firstly… who are these people to judge me? And WHO ARE THEY TO JUDGE MY CHILD?! But it’s true, no matter how much you try and ignore the thoughts and feelings that come rushing through your head, it’s hard to shake them off. Maybe they’re not judging at all, maybe they’re watching with empathy and wish to give a helping hand. Highly unlikely, but I’d like to think that there’s some half decent people out there in the world.

Becoming a Mum wasn’t the happiest time for me. It sent my mental health on a MASSIVE drop and I wasn’t my self. I didn’t feel the instant love and connection that every mother talks about and what you see on TV. I actually didn’t like being a mother. All I kept thinking was ‘what the fuck have I done?’

Now listen, I know that my hormones were all over the place and I was probably still high on the drugs for pain relief. But I still felt like this, for a few weeks after our baby was born. I loved him, he was the most precious thing in the world to me. But I just kept questioning, did I love him because I had to love him??

It doesn’t sound ‘normal’ does it? But my nerves and anxiety went into over drive and there didn’t seem to be ‘no light at the end of the tunnel’. But what is the normal way to feel when you’ve just become a Mum anyway? Who says that you’ve got to have an instant love and connection with your new born baby? Are we bad mothers if we don’t feel normal? I DON’T THINK SO.

I wasn’t ever brave enough to talk about how I felt. I didn’t speak to my fiancé, my family, my friends, or a professional. But why not? I’d been through therapy in the past, I knew I was spiralling, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words ‘I hate being a mum’. Can you imagine the thoughts and judgements that would go through everyone’s heads as I spoke those words?! Just thinking about saying them out loud made me want to vomit. But it’s the truth, I didn’t enjoy being a mum. There were some gorgeous times. Times where I was at my happiest, enjoying the little coo’s from our baby and the little wrinkle of his nose as he sneezed. As I said before, I loved him, I adored him, but most of the time I was just ‘parenting’ I wasn’t being a mum. I wasn’t the mum that I thought I would be. And in all honesty, I’m still not the mum I imaged I would be. I don’t do all the sensory activities, sometimes I stick the TV on and let him watch it most of the day, I don’t have a strict routine for him, I don’t make him the healthiest meals sometimes and yes, some days he DOES have chocolate for breakfast. Because some days I can’t be arsed. Some days I can’t be arsed to parent. Some days I want to sit on my arse all day and do absolutely nothing. The house work can wait, the gardening can wait, because I literally want to sit here, binge a new series on Netflix and do FUCK ALL, aallllllll day. Bliss.

And even on those days, I’ve still got nappies to change, a child to feed and I can’t watch what I want on TV be my cause my 2 year old just starts screaming and demanding to watch Bing.

I’m different now though. I still have days where I want to do sweet FA. And I still have bad days, mentally. But, I LOVE being a mum. I love being the mum to my gorgeous little boy.

So what does a normal mum look like? Me.

You know who else looks like a normal mum? YOU. You’re a normal mum. The feelings, emotions, everything you feel… You. Are. Normal.